Why Hard Work Alone in Marriage Can Still Lead to Solitude, But Does It?

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This post in this link, https://www.linkedin.com/posts/josephogundare_menneedlovetoo-silentbattles-goodmendeservemore-activity-7380346753541095424-R3MP?utm_source=share&utm_medium=member_desktop&rcm=ACoAAAqcB64BBEp_-RNryNCmpBiHTxsfv_thIoI, certainly piqued my interest. The professor's situation, while it’s natural to empathize with him, is not a simple narrative of a man being ‘unjustly’ left alone in his later years. It's a complex web of intricate and complicated issues that go beyond a straightforward story. The man’s story is not straightforward, but it should be and must serve as a wake-up call for both the next generation of women and men as they plan for marriage and family.

It’s crucial to understand the whole picture, not just the wife’s departure, especially given the context of their children moving overseas. This understanding can provide valuable insights from both the professor’s and the woman’s perspectives. It's not just about the wife's departure, but also about the children moving overseas. Understanding the whole picture from the professor's perspective is crucial. The reality of a man who works hard only to find himself alone later in life is a plight that many people likely face increasingly. This is why I am writing this post to encourage a change in attitude and expectations that men or women may have placed on their spouses or children.

Shifting Expectations: Culture, Family, and Care:

Historically, in cultures like the one I grew up in, Africa, there was a strong expectation that children would care for their parents in old age (although one could argue that this is not the case in all communities, but it is prevalent in many poorer communities). I remember my father resolutely stating he would rather die than rely on any of his children. This contrasts sharply with today’s evolving familial structures. Extended families living together are less common, and even in developing countries, children are migrating for better opportunities, creating physical distance from their parents. As a result, this shifting expectation affects the dynamics within the relationships between married couples or parents and their children.

Therefore, we should not have children or marry solely with the expectation that they will serve as our long-term insurance policy. Instead, marriage and family should be deeply rooted in love and intentional commitment, inspiring us to build strong, resilient relationships.

The Importance of Independent Planning:

Another perspective to consider is that the professor and his wife may have grown apart over the years. They focused their energies outward, on his career and raising their children, and perhaps neglected the emotional health of their partnership. The marriage may not have “failed” dramatically, but over decades, people can change and develop different needs or opportunities once the children are grown. In this light, the wife’s decision to move closer to her children might not be an act of neglect towards her husband but rather a choice to pursue her own fulfillment in a new stage of life.

Consequently, we must advocate for planning that builds a resilient future independent of expectations from children or a spouse. For instance, financial preparedness is crucial. Rather than viewing children or marriage as the sole forms of security, it’s essential to invest in your financial future now. This means buying or building a home, avoiding the use of retirement funds for college expenses, and teaching everyone how to manage their money wisely. Having proper financial resources would have given the professor the option to visit his children or hire assistance. Proactive planning is a powerful tool that can empower us to navigate life's uncertainties.

Intentionality as a Form of Love:

Ultimately, family planning and marriage are significant commitments rooted in intentionality and the right reasons, with a thoughtful eye on the future. The professor’s situation serves as a powerful reminder of the crucial role of personal self-sufficiency within a marriage, empowering each partner to contribute meaningfully to the relationship. 

My father taught me the importance of life skills when he insisted, “Every man must know how to cook... he needs to be able to take care of himself.” As a result, I believe that, beyond financial literacy, basic life skills such as cooking should be essential for everyone, regardless of gender. If a partner is unavailable or a marriage dissolves, you should be able to care for yourself.

Because many married couples invest so much of their energy in their children, they often overlook romance and fail to prioritise life together after the children have left the house, becoming empty nesters. Husbands and wives cannot forget who came first; they must protect that with all their might.

It would be ideal if children always cared for their aging parents and spouses never grew apart, but life is inherently unpredictable, and circumstances can change. Therefore, intentional self-investment is not a reflection of a failing marriage or family. Still, rather an act of love towards your future self and your dependents, ensuring that you are not a burden in your later years.

Let us keep the conversation going. What’s your thought?

#IntentionalLiving #FinancialPlanning #WorkLifeBalance #FamilyCommitment #MidlifeCrisis #GoldenYears #MenTalk #RetirementPlanning #MarriageGoals #CulturalShift #CulturalHeritage #StopGenerationalCurse

Authored by Dr. Ayo Olufade, Ph.D.